Dear Santa,

There are a few things I’d like for Christmas, and I’m hoping you can help a sister out.

Have I been good? As good as anyone, I suppose. I mean, sure, I’ve hidden snacks from my family. And there’s the prolific and creative cursing in traffic. And the shutting myself in the bathroom to jot down story ideas while my husband deals with toddler meltdowns in the other room.

But I also dole out plenty of love. I hold open doors for strangers, routinely tip 20%, and generally try not to act like a dick. So yeah, I’d say I’ve been pretty good.

What do I want for Christmas? Let me lay it out for you.

1.  The Revision Fairy’s Number. When working through the zillionth draft of my book, I’d sure love to have the Revision Fairy on speed dial. It’d be wonderful if she could come over, wave her wand, and magically fix all of the problems in my manuscript. I’ve heard you guys are tight—don’t you and Mrs. Claus vacation together in Majorca with R.F. and the Tooth Fairy? You can hook me up with her cell, can’t you? Thanks, man.

2.  An Idea Eggdicator. As you know, not all ideas are good (see: Deck the Halls, pumpkin spice gum, subprime mortgages, etc). When I’m writing, it’d be totally fab to have an “Eggdicator” to weigh my ideas from the start—you know, like that scale for golden eggs in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That way, I can know with absolute certainty at the outset which ideas are terrible before I sink hours (or days or weeks) turning them into word garbage and then ultimately deleting them. Which leads me to my third request.

3.  Wine. All of the wine. I’ll start clearing cupboard space now.

4.  A Magic Chair. Between working my day job as a communications manager and writing novels, my backside is slowly reaching the dimensions of a cardboard box. Could you please send me a chair that instead of making your ass flatter the longer you sit, magically transforms it into a Kim Kardashian booty? Or just hook me up with a standing desk. That would probably be good too. Or even better, the fifth item on my list.

5.  More Time in a Day. Question: how can a person possibly work, write, raise a kid(s), prepare healthy meals, get chores done, exercise, spend time with family and friends, read, pursue hobbies, and sleep? Answer: she can’t. [Side note: does wrestling a protesting toddler into a car seat or running errands count as exercise?] I need more hours in a day. A Harry Potter time-turner should do the trick.

I realize it will take a Christmas miracle to get everything on my list, but you can make it happen, right? I have faith in you, big guy. Thanks in advance!

Lots of love and cookies,
Angie